What Being Masculine is Not

You’re probably one of many men who struggle with your masculine identity. Like many men, you were probably not given a good model of how to behave, think or feel and still are confused about how this should play out in your life. The information you have been given in the past probably hasn’t served you well and continues to undermine your self confidence as a man.

This stems from:

• A poorly modelled or abusively modelled background from parents or parental figures
• Low self esteem
• Inaccurate media images of what masculinity should look like and how men should behave
• Peer groups or relationships with others that are of poor influence or unbeneficial

This can lead to men playing out:

• The Nice Guy syndrome, because they are looking for approval outside themselves that they have always longed for inside
• Internal frustration and anger turned inwards because they don’t know how to deal with circumstances that don’t match their idea of what should happen and what is ‘right’ in their minds e.g. when they are rejected by a woman or things don’t go as planned
• Misogyny because they have never been taught how to understand and treat women
• Violence and emotional abuse in the most extreme cases because they have never been taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way

So what is masculinity? Here are some foundational characteristics:

1. Masculinity is the essence in all things not just men. Masculinity brings forth the life force and plays an important role in higher consciousness. Without the masculine force, no actions would be forged, no important decisions made. Without the masculine essence there is no intention, therefore life would not be possible without it.
2. True masculinity does not need to play itself out in clichés or stereotypes. It does not need to hit, punch, put down, belittle, lash out or insult another being to prove its worth, because its worth is already there.
3. Masculinity is about presence. It does not feel a need to worry about the future because it is fully grounded in enjoying the present moment. There is full confidence in being totally present.
4. Masculinity does not fear what other people think and does not seek approval and love from others. It is being aware of one’s integrity even with the threat of ridicule, violent attack and isolation. Unwavering belief and confidence is a cornerstone of true masculinity.
5. Masculinity has no shame regarding appreciation of ones own sexuality nor the sexual nature of women. It will take the feminine and dance with her, without wanting to tame or control her.

So what are some steps that you can take to discover your masculinity and be more attractive to the opposite sex?

1. Spend time on your own. Discover who you are without anyone’s opinion or company. It’s confronting and terrifying at first but ultimately rewarding as you become more present to the thoughts and emotions that come up within you. You will get to know yourself intimately, learn about your strengths and vulnerabilities and eventually learn to appreciate and love who you really are.
2. Face your fears.  Whatever you’re running away from and whatever destructive behaviour you are choosing to deal with it, call yourself on it. Face whatever you are fearing and admit that you’re afraid but that you are finally committed to facing it and changing so that you live a life of truthfulness and integrity. You want to live with courage and determination, not be forever cowering in the shadows of your unsubstantiated excuses. You will be amazed with the relief you feel once you are honest about the underlying problem and that you no longer need to run and hide.
3. Give up the inauthentic facade. You can fool the world but you can’t fool yourself. Whatever facade you’ve been putting up, it’s time to give it up and start endeavouring for authenticity. In particular, drop the macho jerk act because women can see right through this. Once you do, your feelings of self love and self worth will grow and you will no longer feel the need to be something you’re not.
4. Let go of your need to be liked and approved. All of us to some degree have been conditioned to believe that everyone should like us, and we should be as nice and accommodating as possible so that this happens. This is a false belief that leads to unrealistic expectations on others as well as a burden on ourselves. The truth is, not everyone is going to like us. What does matter is that you know that you love yourself and that you know the value that you can offer to those who can recognise and appreciate it. Being confident in knowing this will result in you being relaxed and easy to be around, attracting people to you naturally without you having to try so hard.
5. Let go of your need to be right all the time.  Needing to be right all the time will do nothing for you except cause you stress and conflict for the sake of protecting your fragile ego. Being attached to being right may also exacerbate your loneliness and threaten your relationships with others. It will not prove you to be more of a man; it will only prove what an arrogant prick you are to be around. A highly unattractive trait you need to get rid of.
6. Practice appreciation and gratitude. When you practice appreciation, feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, fear, hatred and self-loathing disappear. Beliefs and thoughts from the past that you once thought held merit, become false and unimportant, as you learn to accept the beauty of what is. Where once you held judgment, criticism, anger or resentment at something that didn’t match your idea of what was ‘right’ or ‘good’, you discover joy and let go of those toxic emotions that held you down and held you back. Suddenly all those things that you felt beyond your reach, are full and abundant in your life. Your relationships are meaningful and present, not burdensome and painful.

When you develop the courage and undertake these steps you will find that:

• Talking and approaching the opposite sex becomes easier
• You no longer feel the need to control and manipulate to get your way
• You become less aggressive and less frustrated
• You become less focused on outcomes and enjoy the present moment
• People find it easier to be around you and approach you
• You feel good about yourself and value yourself more. You are more self aware and take better care of yourself as a result
• You don’t think everything is about you and you take rejection and disappointments a lot less personally.
• You are more joyful and optimistic about your life and the future.

How to Stay Out of the Nice Guy Trap

It’s finally happened. You’ve met someone who you’re attracted to, and you feel those special feelings arise in your stomach. She’s a total Goddess and seems to like you hanging around. You feel needed, perhaps even loved. However, you’re not 100 percent on her feelings towards you. Is she really into you, or are you just another nice guy amongst her entourage of nice guys hanging out in the wings? How can you find out?

Nice Guy Behaviour: A Counteraction to Attraction

The first test is to see if you display ‘Nice Guy’ behaviour. If you display any of the following behaviours, you are one of many men who fall into the Nice Guy Syndrome and may need to rectify your behaviour if you’re going to attract the right woman:

• Saying things that you think a woman wants to hear
• Doing the ‘gentlemanly’ thing such as buying her drinks and opening doors
• Doing things with the primary intention of winning approval or impressing a woman
• Letting her take advantage of your tendency to be nice and go out of your way for her. Unconsciously communicating that she can override your boundaries when it suits her
• Being available to listen to her problems, particularly in relation to her situations with other men.

Displaying any of these behaviours will ensure that you will end up in the permanent ‘friends’ category. If you do any of these things and sick of not getting the outcome you want with a woman, stop these behaviours immediately and start behaving in ways that honour you, not for the woman you are attracted to.

How do I Behave Differently to Attract the Woman I Want?

Successfully achieving attraction works on counterintuitive logic, meaning that your old ways of thinking how attraction works are most likely wrong or ineffective. Presenting and communicating in a way that pleases the other person first will result in being treated as a second rate option or not being considered at all. People appear far more attractive when they honour and respect themselves first.

You may underestimate or forget the power of how much self confidence matters first, both in the direction of your thoughts and your energy. Attracting a woman actually comes down to how you present your value and self worth. This can be developed and achieved by putting yourself first and disposing of the ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ paradigm.

Let’s examine self confidence and how it works in creating attraction:

1. You are not relying on an external source for approval. This relieves the pressure off the person you are seeking approval from, and allows them to see you for who you really are.
2. Displaying your self confidence displays your self-worth. People can see your potential value as a friend, partner, lover, etc. without you having to do a verbal sales promo of yourself. The style in which you communicate to other people will demonstrate this quite overtly.
3. Your self confidence is tied in with your energy. If you are able to confidently embody and display the masculine energy to a woman, this is most of the work done. The Goddess craves the masculine and will be unconsciously and seductively drawn in.

For a woman to be genuinely attracted to you, you must inspire her Goddess energy to emerge. To inspire her in your approach, you must:

• Stay present to your masculine energy
• Not worry about what she’s thinking of you
• Please yourself and like yourself
• Present the strength, safety, security message

Staying present to your masculine energy

Staying present to your masculine energy means staying present to the part of you that is confident and knows what is right for you. It’s the part of you that is confident when walking into a room, doesn’t compromise your opinion to meet the status quo, and doesn’t care to know what people think and feel about you. Your masculine energy also propels or impels you to go forward and take action, or inspires you to act with confidence. You may even call it using your masculine instinct. Generally, this is what unconsciously draws women in. The more you honour the presence of this in you, the more women you will attract.

Avoid worrying about her thoughts and impressions of you

The more focused you are on what she thinks of you, the more nervous and anxious you will become, the less confident you will present and the less confident she will be in you as a potential partner. You can never know what she thinks of you unless she actually tells you so put any of these sorts of thoughts aside and only focus on how you would like to best present yourself. See point 4.

Please yourself and like yourself before you like her

Mr Nice Guys beg to be liked by the woman they are attracted to at the expense of their own self worth. This communicates a strong message about how she can take advantage of his need to liked and needed. You don’t want to fall into this trap, misleading yourself into believing something special will happen by hanging around this way. It’s a false but sadly common belief system set up to fail. Stop believing your actions with a secret approval seeking agenda will win her over. No matter how nice or sincere you think your actions are, if you put her agenda ahead of yours, guaranteed you will be used and dumped for someone you think is less worthy than you, but unfortunately for you, communicates a more attractive package than you. Or alas you may be considered just a friend. Better to honour your integrity and self worth, because you’ll have at least that if she dumps your ass for someone else.

Present the strength-safety-security message

No woman is attracted to a man who doesn’t present at least one of these values, if not all of them. To present the strength-safety-security message, you must present your confidence in who you are, what you do and what you want, particularly if it’s her. There is nothing hotter to a woman than direct communication from a man who is strongly confident in this message. It will instil a confidence within her that she can trust and rely on you as a potential partner. Anything that relies on her for his sense of worth as a man, will result in her looking elsewhere.

How to Recognise that You are in Love with the Right Woman

Understandably it’s sometimes difficult to know whether a woman is right for you, when your hardwiring as a man is to judge purely from the visual communication and physical chemistry. Put simply, if it feels good and looks good, you’re going to go for it. However, your limited ability as a man to accurately read a woman’s communication can lead to some emotional short-sightedness and potential heartache. In other words it can be hard to accurately deem whether a woman is really right for you and whether your emotions are telling you the right thing, or you are just carried away by the excitement of being around someone you’re attracted to.

Here are some possible indicators of that she might not necessarily be the right person for you: 

1. She has just broken up with someone and has suddenly contacted you and wants to hang out
2. She asks you for favours such as giving her lifts to and from places, when there is no man in sight. However when you hear that she is dating someone, or reunited with her ex, you don’t see or hear from her at all
3. She basks in the attention you give her immediately without holding back a little
4. She flirts outrageously with you, perhaps in front of a guy you suspect she wants attention from
5. She sleeps with you without taking the time to get to know you well, maybe in response to a break up or rejection or purely from low self esteem
6. Her contact with you is sporadic, blowing hot and cold
7. She gets a lot of attention from many other men that you suspect are waiting in the wings just like you, but treats them with equal amount of disposability or reusability
8. She doesn’t clearly communicate how she feels about you, whether it’s purely a friendship or potential relationship, and is reluctant to talk about it
9. She’s absolutely gorgeous, but is not mature or good at intimacy or relationships
10. She’s just out for a good time (drinking, partying, casual sex or one night stands) but you suspect not a long time

Here are the indicators of whether a woman is potentially the right one for you:

1. She doesn’t respond immediately to your approach, but holds back to see how you pursue her
2. She’s intelligent and able to communicate with you in a way that shows respect and maybe some admiration
3. You have shared goals and values and things in common
4. She’s emotionally mature and available and able to show some vulnerability, whilst also being clear and firm about her boundaries
5. She allows you to play a role for her but doesn’t do it to serve her agenda or take advantage, but because she genuinely likes you
6. She is unafraid to express herself or her values genuinely. She’s not afraid to challenge you even at the risk of disagreement or conflict
7. You have good physical and sexual chemistry from getting to know each other well, not just from lust at first sight
8. She holds back being sexually intimate until she’s sure that you’re the right one for her
9. She’s clear in her communication and expression of her emotions, and does not indulge in passive aggressiveness, manipulation or games
10. She inspires you to be a better man

Here are some things that you can do to attract the right woman:

Be confident in presenting your genuine self

People who are nervous or shy are not confident that people will like them for who they really are. If you can’t communicate to the woman that you’re a confident and attractive potential partner, don’t expect her to believe it either. There’s someone for everyone, so believe that there is someone out there who will accept you wholly for who you are, flaws and weaknesses included. It starts with you being real about it and accepting it first before anyone else will. Then you can cut yourself a break and relax, and start presenting to the world your genuine self.

Learn to have a healthy relationship with yourself first

Some behaviour can outwardly present as nice, even genuine, but can reek of the secret approval seeking agenda that many nice guys possess. They wholly rely on an outside source giving them praise and validation for their efforts and actions, and can be prone to acting like wimpy doormats ready to be victimised by the next person that takes advantage. If you are this person, let go of this need to be liked by everyone, and instead learn to like yourself and have a relationship with yourself first. Only when you begin this journey of self discovery and fall in love with yourself first, will you be able to draw in someone who honours and loves you as much as you honour and love yourself.

Socialise and associate with people who you admire and hold in high regard

You are the product of the people that you choose to associate with. If you feel like you are being mistreated or not respected or not living your life to your fullest potential, look at the people that you choose to be in your life. Know that you can choose better people to be in your life who reflect values that you hold in high regard. It’s a mutual deal that will reap benefits in the long run; not only will their good influence will rub off on you, but you’ll also be able to be a positive influence on them. The other benefit is that if you vibrate at this higher frequency, you’ll more easily be able to draw in people of a matching calibre to yourself, which is ultimately what you want.

Don’t jump to conclusions when you meet someone you find highly attractive

It’s very easy to be keen on someone and feel that you have a connection with them, when the physical attraction takes a hold of you. Your brain chemistry is going haywire making you feel that you have a more deeper connection than what you may really have. This is where you need to use logic and take control of the situation, by taking the time to get to know someone before making a judgment call on them and deciding whether they are really a match. Realistically, you need to give yourself at least a good three months to take an objective look at the relationship.

Learn to appreciate all kinds of women

You don’t wanna be one of those guys who only goes for a specific type of woman. These men are generally considered by women to be shallow and superficial, and struggle to gain their respect. Learn to appreciate all kinds of women, whatever shape, size or colour. Displaying your appreciation for various women will make the women around you sit up and take notice, hopefully one that you’re attracted to as well.

Show respect for yourself

Showing respect for yourself means treating yourself well and looking after yourself. It means being kind to yourself when you make mistakes, and not beating yourself up when things don’t go your way. It means taking care of your body, being conscious of how you exercise and feed it. It means being conscious of your thoughts and who you associate with. By showing respect for yourself you also demand a level of respect from others. Only the right type of person will recognise that and give you the due respect that you need and deserve.

Improving Your Communication With Women: Can It Be Done?

From a man’s perspective, women can be insanely complicated communicators. Confusing indirect statements; moody angry silences in which you have absolutely no idea of their cause but somehow you have a feeling that you have something to do with it; even flirty signals can be unintentionally misinterpreted for sexual or romantic interest. Will you ever figure out women or will they continue to do your head in?

 I believe that it IS possible to improve your communication with women, however it does require that you adjust the way you normally communicate as a man. While you won’t be able to get it right 100 percent of the time, employing a few simple techniques will at least ease some of your frustration and create more peaceful relationships with the opposite sex.

How is the communication chasm between men and women created?

The first thing that you need to come to terms with is that men and women are different. Speaking or communicating with another only in the way that makes sense to you is the equivalent of speaking English to a non-native English speaker expecting them to ‘get it’. It will never happen and will only cause you angst, frustration and heartache. This is how most arguments and misunderstandings happen in intimate relationships between the sexes, and sadly enough can be avoided.

Most of our differences can be explained by our fundamental biological differences. Neuroscience has shown us that men’s and women’s brain structures and hormones influence logic, behaviour and emotional reactions. For example, research has shown that women have four times more anxiety than men due to their anterior cingulate cortex, the rational decision making centre, being larger than men’s. Women also have 11% more neurons in their hippocampus, the centre of the brain used for learning, memory and emotion.  As a result, women are better at expressing emotions and communicating them than men. Therefore if we possess significant biological differences we can’t expect to understand each other all the time.

From my observations of the war between the sexes, these are the common communication problems that arise:

• Women talk a lot and men interpret this as ‘complaining’
• Women express their emotions and men can interpret this as ‘complaining’ as well
• Women overdramatise and catastrophise every situation, making a mountain out of a molehill
• Women hint or imply expecting men to read between the lines but men have no idea what they mean or what they’re even talking about
• Men don’t listen
• Men don’t see anything as a problem the way women do

I see that the main causes of these problems stem from:

• Misplaced or unrealistic expectations
• Seeing things only from one’s own point of view
• Not understanding gender differences, be they biological or psychological or hormonal
• Not having the skills to listen, understand and communicate effectively

So as men what can you do about it? I think I have to make clear that I am not asking you to be something that you’re not. I totally understand and appreciate that you see the world in a certain way. However if you are having problems ‘getting’ or getting along with the opposite sex, there might need to be an adjustment to how you listen to, think about and communicate with women. It requires understanding and patience as well as assertiveness to be successful.

You’re not talking to another man, so don’t expect her to respond like one

Women respond and think differently to men due to their different biological and hormonal architecture.  This greatly affects their thinking and emotional responses, and forms their nature as women. You will no doubt get frustrated by the indirect hints; the left-field moody temper tantrums; the bossiness and or bitchiness; the tendency to read into things that were not your intention.

However there’s no need for you to get upset about it. Understand that she’s responding to her nature and that it’s not personal, although it may sound that way. While you may want to react in frustration or anger most of the time, DO NOT REACT. What you want to do is lessen the emotional intensity of the conversation so it doesn’t escalate into a full blown argument. Take some time to listen to what she’s really saying. Even if it sounds emotional, melodramatic or accusatory, pause before structuring a response. If you’re unsure what she means, ask without being patronising. Make her understand that you WANT to understand her, even if you don’t agree with her. You can do this by rephrasing what she says back to her. She will then tell you if that’s what she means. Make sure also that she understands what you’re saying as well and that you are not going to necessarily back down from your opinion because she’s upset or disagrees. You don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of harmony. Her reaction may be immature or petulant resulting in that infamous stony silence, but at least you can be assured that you communicated honestly and confidently, which is really all that matters.

Make it your intention to understand where she’s coming from

Men are mostly adverse to emotional responses or reactions from women. Their hardwiring is to fix problems, and a woman being emotional is a major problem in their eyes. It’s even worse when they feel they want to

make it better, but have no idea how to, so they resort to being frustrated and angry instead, often at her.

This is a vicious cycle of anger that is quite common between the sexes and helps no one. I often say the problem often starts with how the problem is being viewed. She’s not being emotional to be a pain in the ass. She’s emotional because that’s her nature. It’s not a problem to her, it’s who she is. Your mind as a man is not structured to place emotions so easily into most situations. It’s structured to fix things logically and quickly. Understand that she is seeing things differently, maybe illogically to you, but that’s the way she’s seeing it. Treat her with tenderness and compassion if she’s ever in an emotional state, because if you treat her with anything other than that, you will make the situation 100 times worse.

She wants understanding and emotional availability from you as the man not a know-it-all-fixer of problems.

Don’t be shy in asking what she means

 

Despite your hardwiring telling you that you must know all the answers as a man, you won’t, nor should you be expected to. This particularly applies to understanding what a woman means.

At some stage, she is going to say some crazy shit that’s going to drive you up the wall. Things like ‘Hmmm the grass seems kind of long’ or ‘Hmmm so many dirty dishes in the sink…’ or ‘Wish I didn’t have to pick up after someone all the time’. It’s without a doubt passive aggressive, annoying, indirect and immature. Instead of holding back and keeping the peace, or resorting to being a pissy weak nice guy and complying and agreeing, be brave enough to confront her. Ask her what she means, instead of just assuming she is pissed off at you specifically. She might be pissed off at something else.

You can say things such as ‘Honey, I’m not sure what you mean. Are you saying….?’ or in a light tone ‘You sound kind of angry. Are you angry at me? I just need to know so I don’t take it personally.’ This way you are taking responsibility for your own opinions and responses, not just reacting to hers.

Don’t just switch off or change the topic when she’s talking

Men can also have a tendency to switch off or change the topic if they can’t stay present when a woman is talking. It’s difficult when you have no idea what she’s going on about sometimes. It can just sound like ‘blah blah blah’ in your mind. Sometimes it just sounds like a whole heap of whiny complaining, and as a guy, you’re not equipped to deal with it.

Again, this is your mind taking over and only interested in what you can comprehend, not what is. It’s OK to not understand. It’s even OK to not be interested. But it’s not OK to show disrespect to the woman present by glazing over what she’s saying, because it could be coming from the heart. She may not want you to contribute anything at all, maybe for you just to listen and be present. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, although your mind may tell you differently.

Put aside your tendency to be right all the time

As a man, it’s not easy to be wrong or feel that you’re wrong. If a woman points out your wrongness or challenges you in some way, that feels even worse. When you’re in a relationship with a woman, it’s not a competition of rights and wrongs, although it may feel that way sometimes.  Your tendency may be to feel affronted if she challenges your opinion, and even argue back with more facts and figures, but this actually reflects your own insecurity about being wrong. It also reflects your insecurity about a woman making you wrong.

I’m not saying let the woman be right for the sake of ending an argument: I’m saying don’t put wood on the fire and start a competition of one upmanship. This will do nothing for your relationship and she will be in the major shits with you if you do this.  You won’t win, whatever way you look at it.

The best you can do in such situations is to let her have it out, even if it sounds crazy and irrational. Sit there and listen without reaction. Empathise with where she is coming from then offer your opinion. She may still disagree, but at least you didn’t make her wrong so you could be right.

By being the man and backing down a little, you may even be surprised by how much she softens and reduces her ‘complaining’ and debating dial.

Be assertive but not aggressive

You will at some stage, if you haven’t already, come across women with strong personality issues. They will often offer their opinions and are willing to aggressively argue against anyone who disagrees with them. Or they might have developed manipulative behaviour to get their way, perhaps through passive aggressiveness, poutiness and petulance. You don’t have to tolerate these forms of immature behaviour. You can still honour yourself and your boundaries without either being extremely aggressive and threatening, or spineless and wimpy, kicking your own self worth to the curb once again for the sake of getting along, then feeling resentful afterwards.

If you are feeling like you are about to cross swords with a woman, either in terms of being in a verbal stoush or feeling manipulated to do something that you don’t want to do, you can stand up for yourself by:

• Saying that you heard what was said, but…then insert your opinion
• Standing by what you’ve said with consistent action or behaviour.  Don’t go back on your word and give into the manipulation, as this will set a standard where she knows you can easily fold
• Confidently expressing  an opinion that she may not agree with, even at the risk of her becoming extremely incensed at you
• Clarifying or repeating your point assertively even if she wants to railroad you into agreeing with her or seeing things her way

Remember that you don’t need to raise your voice or elevate your temper to make your point. A confident energy is enough for her to respect your position and back down from immature manipulation tactics. She may even apologise to you afterwards, although don’t hold your breath on this one.

Don’t read too much into things

Men can tend to over-read innuendo and sexual signals, as if women are specifically sending them direct come-ons. Then they will undoubtedly become upset or disappointed if the woman says that she is not interested. Unfortunately as men, you have little or no ability to understand women’s body language and signals. It’s not your fault, you’re just ill-equipped to read women. Women’s natures are complicated at the best of times, but the one thing I can tell you is that women love attention and will do anything to draw attention to themselves, including unintentionally flirt with men in provocative and sexual ways. You might call it cock teasing, but really it is just playing. Don’t read it as a specific come on to you necessarily. If you act uninterested, and she goes on to flirt with someone else, she really wasn’t interested in you at all, just wanting to make a grab for attention from anyone.

Also don’t over-read her anger and moodiness. It may appear to be and sound like it’s directed at you but it’s not. If you allow it to pass over you, and refuse to take it personally, she will go back to being her sweet self in a relatively short time. In the meantime, keep your communication calm and even.

End your communication with love, not stony silence

It’s easy to maintain a Mexican stand off when you want to maintain the opinion that you’re right, but this is not an evolved or mature way of resolving conflict. She might give you the silent treatment, but make sure that you reassure her that you love her and want to connect with her when she is ready to talk. When you are both ready to communicate with love and understanding, you will be able to grow and establish a relationship that you can both be happy with.

 

 

 

What this Goddess has Learned While Being Away From This Blog for 6 Months

Apologies for the noted absence from this blog for six months. This Goddess has taken time out to focus on coaching clients, re-developing her business model and taking a much needed holiday to New Zealand to refresh and refocus. However, I am back to share some lessons that I have learned along the way, about life, love and relationships:

Men need sexual chemistry/attraction before they can emotionally commit to a woman, but good sex alone can’t sustain a serious relationship for a guy.

It always used to confound me that men would strongly show their sexual and romantic interest in me in the first few weeks of being courted, then pull away or disappear immediately after as if they never felt anything at all. I used to take this personally but now know that while some of this behavior can be attributed to immaturity, it’s mostly their hard-wiring in their nature as men.

Men’s first order of priority in whether they want to take things further with a woman is whether there is any spark of physical attraction or sexual chemistry to begin with. To put it bluntly most men don’t see the point of considering a woman as a partner without attraction as a key ingredient.

Chemistry can also fizzle out when the attraction can’t be sustained for whatever reason.  Good sex is sometimes not a convincing enough argument for a guy to take a relationship further, no matter how great the woman is in bed. The logical part of his mind can’t be convinced that it’s a good idea if there’s something amiss that he can’t ignore. This explains also why there is that initial ‘grey area’ period when a guy and girl first start sleeping together without knowing each other well in the first few months or weeks. Often men are unsure whether it will get more serious or not because he’s still trying to figure out whether she’s the right one for him. In the meantime, if sex is on the table, he’ll take it. However anticipate that things will fizzle out as soon as things don’t feel ‘right’ on his part.

This is also why women need to be the strong ones and hold back sleeping with a guy too soon before an emotional commitment is made. Men can seem to initially have feelings and even express them while there is sexual chemistry, but this can quickly change once he figures out that their level of compatibility is poor.  Men need to be cautious of getting physically involved with women too soon, as women can get caught up emotionally without realising men don’t necessarily feel the same way.

You’re going to make relationship mistakes even if you say you won’t. Pick yourself up and start again.

Just because I’m a dating and relationships coach, doesn’t mean that I know at all times what’s best for me. Like any other human being, I am susceptible to distorted thinking, getting swept up in emotions and acting impulsively (and feeling foolish later). I’ve noticed recently that unlike other times in the past however, I didn’t let the negative emotions linger for long.

Being human means being fallible. It’s part of the package, as difficult as it may be to come to terms with. We might have the best of intentions to NEVER do that again or go there again, but we probably will, because of a variety of factors such as old habits we have difficulty overcoming, negative thinking, past programming, etc. All you can do is do your best to be consciously aware of your negative behaviour and thought patterns and do better. Every day is an opportunity to start again; It’s totally up to you.

The worst thing you can do is undertake a victim mentality and convince yourself that you only attract a ‘type’ of person and that you will never find anyone suitable.  The best thing you can do is take positive action, learn how to behave differently and choose better people to be in your life. You may still make mistakes, but at least you know you are always trying to do better.

Don’t just believe your ‘feelings’, sometimes it’s just your brain chemistry going haywire.

Emotions are powerful things however their intensity doesn’t always indicate accuracy about a situation.  Our brains are equipped to release strong chemicals such as adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin and oxytocin to put us in a pleasant ‘delusion’ , making us feel content, secure and happy, convincing us we’re in ‘love’ or that we met the right person, even though objectively this may not be the case . Scientific studies have shown that our frontal cortex, responsible for making judgments, actually shuts down when we fall in love.

Sometimes we can feel deeply about someone but really confuse it with our personal agenda, our issues, our need to liked, loved and noticed. Just check in with yourself and really question the supposed ‘feelings’:  where did they come from? Do they come from a pattern of thought? Does it remind you of something familiar? Does it cause you to behave in unbalanced unhealthy ways? If you can break down the feelings and observe them, you will find that the intensity doesn’t necessarily ring true for yourself, and that you are just reacting to a situation, not responding.

Honour your life now; it’s more important than entertaining an idea or fantasy that hasn’t happened yet .

Everyone seems to only be interested in what the future has in store for them but not interested in the beauty of the life they have now.  As a result they miss precious moments or neglect their loved ones through their lack of presence. All we have is the now moment; the past is something we can’t change, the future hasn’t happened yet. Everything that’s in your life currently is something to be cherished and experienced to the full.

Don’t get caught up in other people’s ideas about your life; they may offer all sorts of ideas, even offer to share their plans with you, which may or may not be in your best interest. But at the end of the day, you need to do what’s right for you first and foremost. If you believe you’re important enough, you’ll honour your own thoughts and opinions above anyone else’s because you know your best judge is yourself.

Be grateful even if life is not perfect

Life can often be described by many as not ideal. “It’s OK but could be better”, is the common response, which really shows an attitude of deep ingratitude and dissatisfaction. The reality is your life is never going to be perfect. There’s always going to be people who are going to make you angry and give you the shits; there’s always going to be frustrating situations that make you scream; maybe even financial struggles that never seem to end, and health issues that never improve. However if these things are going to be your entire focus, you’d never get out of bed. Focus on the things that work in your life now, starting with the fact that you’re able to breathe and your heart can beat. From there, everything else is icing on the cake. When you take on this new focus, you will immediately feel better about your life and experience joy in a way that you haven’t felt before.

Don’t let set-backs and obstacles stop your growth.

It’s understandable to be upset when things don’t go right, even be disillusioned and a little bit bitter. It’s not okay however, to give up on what you want, or give up on who you are.  Set-backs and obstacles are inevitable in life, no matter what kind of person you are or where you come from. They are put there by the universe to grow us into the people we are destined to be. Set-backs and obstacles are gifts from the universe that actually set us on the right path if we allow them to.

Keep believing in love because that’s the only thing that’s real.

Heartbreak is inevitable too. Most of the time when people are hurt in their relationships, they weren’t hurt on purpose. The victims of hurt take it personally and to be fair, it’s hard not to. However you need to realise that whoever hurt you was probably hurting themselves, and the source of their hurt probably had very little to do with you. They probably had ongoing issues, whether emotional, psychological or otherwise, and you just happened to be in the way. You represented more of what they didn’t want to deal with, and you were pushed to the side or pushed away. It doesn’t feel good but they weren’t in a place of love, they were in a place of their own pain. However the part of you that doesn’t recognise love doesn’t realise that. You might think it’s because of you, and it’s not.

Love is a totally different terrain. It doesn’t hurt or cause pain. Love is not meant to hurt you and if things are hurting, it isn’t love. Don’t give up on love because someone hurt you. Realise that there are good people in the world that do have the ability to show and impart love to you. Realise that you are love and that you don’t need to convince people to love you. Let go of those who aren’t able to, whatever their reasons may be. Love is the only thing that’s real because it comes from the divine source that made you.

Learn to enjoy your life despite how hard you think it is.

You’re the only person keeping yourself away from joy. Despite what your current circumstances may be, there’s no real reason for you to be unhappy. Learn to change your perspective to see it as positive or at the very least, a learning experience. Cut yourself a break; live, love, laugh and dance in the face of any adverse situation in your life. This is the only way to set your soul free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NB: Will promise to now update regularly with news-ings and musings, and exciting regular video logs that will be uploaded to this site. Watch this space, L x

 

 

 

What’s Keeping The Right Woman Away?

What’s keeping the right woman away from you? While we might think it’s external factors such as not meeting enough women in the right places or not meeting any women who are appropriately matched to us, the truth is that most of the time WE are the ones who are keeping potential partners away from us.

The main factors for keeping people away from us can be summed up in the following:

• Unrealistic expectations: if we have a core belief that some one outside of ourselves should meet all of our expectations in a partner, we will take this energy out to the world and push people away from us because no one can feel that they will ever be able to fulfil this.
• Past experiences shaping our perceptions which can distorted and inaccurate: if we let our past story run us, we will project our past perceptions onto others and not truly see people for who they are and what they could offer us.
• Fear: this can be played out in firstly making assumptions about people that might not necessarily be true. For example, an attractive woman being attached or uninterested in you. Secondly, letting the fear turn into intimidation and paralysing you into inaction.
• Lack of skills contributing to low self worth and lack of self-belief: this includes not knowing how to approach and what to say. This also includes not knowing about personal presentation, appropriate body language and behaviour. All of this can perpetuate someone’s self worth and self belief issues if they don’t seek help to improve these areas.

We have all been through these experiences to some extent. But what can you do to overcome these blocks?

Let’s remember that it starts and ends with you. So let’s look at the things that you can control:

• Your thoughts
• Your energy
• Your appearance
• Your behaviour and body language
• Your self confidence and self belief

While all of these things if inappropriate can keep people away, can also be turned around to become bridges to connection. By harnessing all of these main areas in specific and strategic ways, you should be able to attract a woman that you desire quite easily. It really is up to you.

Let’s briefly look at how each one is important:

1. Your thoughts: Thoughts create your reality. If you entertain negative thoughts, such as ‘That person will never talk to me or go out with me’ that thought will create a lack of action and confirm that negative belief. You may also attract and manifest situations that reflect your thoughts and beliefs which become your reality. However if you start creating positive thoughts and aspects about yourself, this will also affect your reality. If you want a different reality, you must start at changing your thoughts. Remember if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. If you change your thought to ‘I can approach that attractive woman and start talking to her’, you will find all the circumstances and will power to make that happen. It always starts with a thought, followed by a belief and an action, or in some cases lack of action.
2. Your energy: Your energy is what draws people to you. If you have an attractive energy, meaning you draw people easily to you because you emanate a positive vibe, other factors such as appearance rarely matter, although appearance may act as a form of energy in itself. In some cases it won’t matter at all because you will be a magnet for people. How do you create this energy? It starts by what you feel inside about yourself and the messages that you send to yourself and ultimately to others. If you work on being positive about yourself and have an optimistic world view then this will show in your appearance, body language, dialogue and behaviour. People read you and judge you before approaching and if they see your energy, and it feels good and approachable, that’s most of the hard work eliminated. Then you can just kick back and relax!
3. Your appearance: Your appearance is important in that it communicates so much about you to the outside world. It sends messages about who you are, whether blatantly or subtly or subconsciously. If you have a desire, but you communicate something that contradicts the attraction of that desire, you may need to work on your appearance. For example, you cannot attract a ‘top shelf’ woman who is intelligent and sophisticated if you don’t reflect those qualities back through your dress sense, body language, facial expressions and posture. Your appearance may be keeping the object of your desire away. You may also need to weigh up if changing your appearance to only attract a specific someone really reflects who you are and whether this is worth the change. The last thing you want to come across as is phony and inauthentic. You may also need to question whether the person is the right person for you if you need to change so much about yourself.
4. Your behaviour and body language:  

Off putting behaviour to women includes:

• Immaturity
• Indecisiveness
• Sexist and dirty remarks about women
• Slobbishness
• Selfishness
• Angry outbursts or fits of rage or aggression
• Crossing personal boundaries too soon
• Sleaziness
• Arrogance

There are also certain behaviours that are not necessarily offensive but do not serve you in attracting women. They include:

• Being too shy
• Being too socially awkward
• Being too nervous
• Being too serious
• Not knowing how to carry a conversation
• Not knowing how to read visual and verbal cues and respond appropriately
• Not being assertive in your opinions and presentation
• Showing lack of self confidence
• Being a ‘Mr Nice Guy’, that is doing and saying ‘nice’ things, but not communicating the qualities that women want in a prospective partner.

Turn on behaviours include:

• Humour
• Charm
• Subtle flirtation and suggestion
• Impressive or interesting skill in any form, whether a card trick or fixing a hole in the wall
• Emotional maturity
• Emotional sensitivity
• Intelligence
• Emotional intelligence
• Assertiveness
• Playfulness or cheekiness
• Sweetness and romantic gestures
• Confidence, especially in approaching and asking a woman out

These behaviours communicate interesting characteristics that will engage a woman’s mind and create attraction in her, as well as create a sense of the strength, safety and security she is looking for.

Body language will be your bridge to connection, because women unconsciously and intuitively pick up on subtle visual cues. If you give the wrong body language signals, you will unknowingly drive opportunities away.

Body language that may work against you may include:

• Slouching or looking stooped over
• Putting your hands in your pockets
• Blatantly staring or ogling
• Crossing your arms
• Slumped shoulders
• Bad posture
• Less masculine body language, such as crossing legs or over gesticulating

If you would like to improve your body language, work on doing the following:

• Improve your posture. Stand straight with your head level and confident.
• Make sure your shoulders are pushed back. When you communicate with a woman, make sure she can see your energy in the shoulders and chest region. The more confident you appear in this area, the more attractive you will become.
• Slightly spread your legs when standing and sitting to assert dominance
• Smile and show a sense of humour. This will soften your appearance and make you seem attractive and approachable. Appearing stern or too serious is not a good look. Work on relaxing your energy and appearance so you don’t appear too uptight, nervous or intense.
• Make eye contact when a woman is talking to you. Respond to what she is saying by showing some expression of emotion in your face. If you don’t respond, she will take it that you are not interested, even though you are probably just focusing on what she is trying to tell you. Avoid the temptation to stare or ogle, at least when she is engaging with you.
• When laughing, show teeth rather than a tight lipped smile as this may communicate that you are hiding something.

5. Your self confidence and self belief: The difference between those who have and those who have not is self confidence. People who embody self confidence have the guts to try, even if it means failure and possible derision and humiliation. They are the ones willing to cross the floor and ask the girls to dance while everyone else on the other side of the room is held back by fear and trepidation. It is that self confidence gives them the winning ticket 99/100 times. Women love self confident men. Other than all the other blatant and obvious characteristics that women ask for such as looks and humour, it is ultimately self confidence that wins them over. There are several reasons for this:

• It communicates to them that a man knows what he wants and is not afraid to ask for it. This strongly suggests the strength, safety and security message and she will find that ultimately very appealing.
• If he is showing self confidence to the woman he is attracted to, he is showing that he is not afraid of her, unlike all the other men who haven’t even bothered trying. He becomes the leading candidate for her affections. If she is a nice genuine lady, she will reward his bravado with her number and arrangement for a date.
• It embodies strong masculine energy which on a physical and biological level, turns her on.

If you work on your chutzpah with women, I promise you that you will be considered top dog and win the respect of men and women alike.

Here are some simple ways that you can work on your self-confidence:

• Work on liking yourself and focus on the positive aspects in your life. Write down positive affirmations about yourself and read these regularly.
• Work on bringing a positive energy to every situation that you encounter.
• Be open to opportunities and act upon your new found confidence. The worst they can say is no. Learn not to take rejection personally and move on quickly.

Secrets to Seduction Part 3: How To Turn Her On For the Bedroom

Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom, it starts well before the act itself. Below is an effective routine you can practice around a woman you would like to seduce:

1. Stay present to your masculine

Your masculine essence is the core part of you that forms your inner thoughts, emotions, actions and motivations that cultivate your masculine drive.This part of you has little to do with constructed paradigms of masculine identity such as a man needing to be ‘macho’ and tough or not needing to be tender or emotional. These are external models that reflect little truth of what it is to be a man, because being masculine actually is drawn from the source within

Your true masculine essence:

• Is your inner strength of knowing who are
• Gives you confidence to step forward and take the lead in your role in the dance of attraction
• Desires to dance with the feminine

Be aware of this energy within you and use it to go forward when you are approaching a woman you are attracted to.

2. Do any practical task in front of her or for her, particularly tasks that mean something to her

Most women are highly impressed by men who are able to be of use to them, particularly those who can be of service in areas they are not skilled in themselves. Practical tasks can mean anything from holding her jacket to fixing her plumbing and cleaning her pool, but make sure she sees you do this in front of her.

3, Tease her and be suggestive about what you would do to her

Women are turned on by the tease and by suggestion because implication opens a wider variety of meanings for how she would slot into your fantasy. Appealing to her imagination will send her wild.

4. Touch her tenderly and spontaneously, particularly with embraces, caresses and massages

Women love tenderness from men, especially if it is shown spontaneously and expressed from a genuine and confident place. If you do this frequently enough without having a personal agenda for sex, she will willingly want to drag you into the bedroom herself.

5. Tell her how you feel about her, if it comes from a genuine place

The emotions are predominantly the arena of the feminine. As women are turned on aurally, that is by the spoken word, you would do well to start foreplay with expressing your emotions for her, if you genuinely feel something special for her. If you don’t have those feelings, don’t be ingenuine in this area just to bed her. Best to stay silent if this is the case.

Secrets to Seduction Part 2: How to Turn Her On With Touch

Stroking of hands and wrists

These are very sensitive areas of a woman’s body and may heighten a sense of arousal in her. Gently stroke the palms of her hands and her wrists during a moment when you are intimately connecting to display your attraction toward her and your emotional availability.

Hands around waist

The female waist is a very delicate part of her body and draws out the need in the man to protect. If you put your hands around her waist and draw her closer to you, this is the sign to her that you are taking the lead in the dance of seduction, because you are showing that you want her.

Hands on lower back

Same as above.

Stroking of hair

Grooming is a major part of the mating dance. Brush the hair off from around her shoulders or gently stroke her hair at the back. No tugging or yanking.

Caressing of facial area

By gently caressing her face, you are showing that you are admiring and appreciating one of her most attractive features. Softly caressing her face shows your ability to physically and emotionally connect with her.

SECRETS TO SEDUCTION PART 1: HOW TO TURN HER ON WITHOUT TOUCH

Turning a woman doesn’t just involve making the ‘right’ moves in bed. Successful seduction happens well outside the bedroom and takes sophistication, emotional maturity, sensitivity and creativity from the right man.

Here are some ways to get the process going before making any advances with touch:

1. Gazing
   Women connect through facial and eye contact.  If you are able to hold her gaze, she will sense that you see her or understand her and that you want connection with her.
2. Words and images
   Women like to fantasize to create their world and their identity. By describing things explicitly and viscerally in words and images, women are drawn in and interested.

Example:Instead of saying “I like walks along the beach” say which beach, what it looks like and what time. For example, “ I love Brighton Beach, especially when the sun sets at 5pm and the tide is low.” Be sensual in your description, so describe the colours, sounds, tastes and smells to entice and stimulate her sensually.

3.  Suggestion and sexual tension

Women are turned on by suggestive language. It allows them to imagine what you may mean through what you say and if it alludes to them. The build up of sexual tension is established by suggestion and what is left unspoken and untouched or undone.

Example: Instead of making direct references such as “Let’s go out” or “Let’s go back to mine” allude to what you do and how they can be a part of it. For example, “I’m going to the country this weekend, but don’t normally have anyone special to take. Know anyone?” Inserting a playful tone will help your case.

4. Teasing

Teasing counters compliments, and is a good counter-intuitive tactic to create attraction because you are not giving her the treatment she expects. It’s also a good way to build attraction because in playing with her, you are placing her as your sole focus and she likes that.

Example:Instead of complimenting her, tease her about her lack of ability in something or how she takes herself too seriously, such as “You’re never going to beat my score in tennis” or “Are you always such a bitch?” Again, using a playful tone will help her to get where you are coming from.

5. Confident stance and posture

Looking and standing confidently, complimented with other aspects such as good dress sense, will make her sit up and notice you. Male confidence creates a sense in the female brain a feeling of safety and security.

TIPS ON FINDING THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR YOU

1. Don’t expect to find the woman of your dreams in dubious environments or in places that don’t reflect your value system
   This includes for some the nightclub and bar scene, although these are great places to practice talking to the opposite sex without too much investment. If the energy is coming from a low vibration, e.g. from a place which you don’t respect, you can’t expect to find someone you respect either. No true connection comes from the bottom of a vodka bottle on Saturday night. If there is a situation where one party is not present because they are intoxicated, drugged out, hung over, on Mars, it’s probably best to take a rain check until they’ve sobered up, and you can properly judge the real person.Join a social club, sports club or special interest group that reflects your interests and values. You will most likely find someone with common interests that you can spend time with and get to know over time.
2. Expand your idea/criteria of what is the ‘right’ woman
   This is dependent on your level of maturity and emotional evolvement. If you base your criteria of the right women on only physical characteristics, watch yourself slip into boredom and emotional dissatisfaction fast. Think about what the right person really means to you: what kind of values does she hold? What sort of person do you really want to spend time with?  What kind of woman would you treat with respect?When you start looking for these valued characteristics, and start narrowing these down to a few core ones, you will get more confident at eliminating those who are not a match, and get closer to finding the right person for you. However it does require you to be firm and decisive.
3. Become the person you want to go out with.
   If you don’t reflect the person you want to go out with, why should anyone give that back to you? You have to ask yourself, what is it about me that someone would want? In a way, you’re selling a package: looks, energy, personality and everything else. Become the package you want to buy; if you don’t believe in the product and buy it yourself, why should anyone else?
4. Be open to opportunities anywhere anytime. Pick up cues when people show interest.
   We can be easily blindsided by our own ideas of what we are looking for, not realising at times that the opportunities present itself right in front of us. See every moment as an opportunity to make a connection with someone and you’ll find yourself a step closer to meeting the right person.
5. Retain your self confidence even when you hear a ‘no’. The right woman will come along and give you that ‘yes’ in the end.
   Despite what most men commonly feel when rejected, a man’s self worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in whether a woman rejects or accepts him. The sexiest men are the ones with the appearance of not caring. It creates an irresistible energy of self confidence and we want some of that! Don’t take a ‘no’ personally. It just might not be a match, in her mind, and as mentioned previously, it may not be a definitive ‘no’ but may need time to incubate.  I can assure you however that the more clearer and confident you are in yourself, the more quickly you will find someone who loves and appreciates you as much as you love and appreciate yourself.
6. Learn to move on quickly and try again with someone else.
   Rejection feels bad but nothing reeks more than desperation, or worse, prolonged despondency. I’ve lost count of the number of times I heard this one : “They couldn’t stop talking about their ex.” It’s kind of the same pain in relation to someone who can’t get over rejection. I know this is hard to hear but they weren’t that special, and if you change your scarcity mentality to one of abundance, you’ll soon realise that and remember the remaining 3 billion human beings left in the world you could be potentially matched with. So seriously, don’t get cut up over one or two knock backs. People with a healthy level of self worth and self confidence pick themselves up again and move forward and find someone. Life presents new opportunities every day, it’s up to you to look out for them.

Remember that the right person:

• won’t make life impossible for you, and make you work for their attention, whilst still being disinterested
• will accept you as you are
• won’t drop you on your ass at the first sign of a challenging situation
• will take a chance on you
• won’t judge you against their past partners and impossible criteria